Life is a wonderfully incredible gift…peppered sometimes with times of trials and sadness. I have been really peppered this month. In times like these, to protect my heart,mind and spirit, I instinctively throw up my protective shields. My first reaction is to protect myself from emotional over load …I shut down all the entry and exit ways to my emotions and to go into isolation mode.
My heart was required to carry an awful lot hurt and pain this month: First a “friend” I thought was supportive, just turned out to be patronizing, condescending and uncharacteristically jealous (or not, maybe I've just been blind to it all along) This realization was disappointing and hurtful but not devastating. However next, I had to rush my mom to hospital with severe chest pains…they kept her in the hospital for a week while offering no answers to the nature of her condition…very stressful and scary… but thank God she is fine ...it wasn’t a heart attack …that was wonderful news…but it all made for one hell of a week…at this point I am getting really close to my emotional cap/limit… yet still functional. But, on the day I brought my mom home from the hospital I found out my beloved Godmother had suddenly died. That’s when it happened…I was literally thrown off of my emotionally axis…my heart broke in a million pieces. I was devastated. I had no choice but to shut down, so that the pain wouldn’t overwhelm me. I called out to my friends to seriously pray for me…because my mind/spirit connection was weakened by my pain and the emotional drain. Thank God! for praying friends.
It wasn’t so much that my Godmoter died…It was more that she was gone... I knew that she is now at peace and reunited with my Godfather…but she was gone...GONE! and I didn’t even get a chance to say goodbye.
I just needed time and space to wrap my mind around the fact that my Godmother, friend, mentor, most trusted confidant, encourager, role model of Christian living ...is gone…just like that! I felt so weak. Weak without her..and weak for selfishly wanting to hold on to her…weak for entertaining so much pain. But, I am thankful that God never leaves us or forsakes us…even in our self imposed isolation He is ever present…as I have heard so often”an ever-present help in times of trouble”. And, He was right there with me and in my hurt and confusion He gave me His word, His comfort and His promise in 2 Corintians 12:8-10
8Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 9But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 10That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
By His presence and my friends prayers I have been restored , able to drop the protective shields and regain my power. I really miss my godmother but I take joy in that she is home and just fine. And, I am reminded and reassured that God's plan for us is adundancy and not sarcity ... emotional sarcity or otherwise. My sadness has been lifted! Rest in a well deserved peace Mary. I love you.
My heart was required to carry an awful lot hurt and pain this month: First a “friend” I thought was supportive, just turned out to be patronizing, condescending and uncharacteristically jealous (or not, maybe I've just been blind to it all along) This realization was disappointing and hurtful but not devastating. However next, I had to rush my mom to hospital with severe chest pains…they kept her in the hospital for a week while offering no answers to the nature of her condition…very stressful and scary… but thank God she is fine ...it wasn’t a heart attack …that was wonderful news…but it all made for one hell of a week…at this point I am getting really close to my emotional cap/limit… yet still functional. But, on the day I brought my mom home from the hospital I found out my beloved Godmother had suddenly died. That’s when it happened…I was literally thrown off of my emotionally axis…my heart broke in a million pieces. I was devastated. I had no choice but to shut down, so that the pain wouldn’t overwhelm me. I called out to my friends to seriously pray for me…because my mind/spirit connection was weakened by my pain and the emotional drain. Thank God! for praying friends.
It wasn’t so much that my Godmoter died…It was more that she was gone... I knew that she is now at peace and reunited with my Godfather…but she was gone...GONE! and I didn’t even get a chance to say goodbye.
I just needed time and space to wrap my mind around the fact that my Godmother, friend, mentor, most trusted confidant, encourager, role model of Christian living ...is gone…just like that! I felt so weak. Weak without her..and weak for selfishly wanting to hold on to her…weak for entertaining so much pain. But, I am thankful that God never leaves us or forsakes us…even in our self imposed isolation He is ever present…as I have heard so often”an ever-present help in times of trouble”. And, He was right there with me and in my hurt and confusion He gave me His word, His comfort and His promise in 2 Corintians 12:8-10
8Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 9But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 10That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
By His presence and my friends prayers I have been restored , able to drop the protective shields and regain my power. I really miss my godmother but I take joy in that she is home and just fine. And, I am reminded and reassured that God's plan for us is adundancy and not sarcity ... emotional sarcity or otherwise. My sadness has been lifted! Rest in a well deserved peace Mary. I love you.
Beloved Godmother Mary Etta Perkins - 1932 - 2010
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