Farwell letter to "Alice": The end of a toxic relationship

One of the fundamental principles in conquering any addiction is the act of separating one’s self from toxic relationships. Relationships that enable or encourage addictive behaviors, that are self destructive and often produce grim physical harm, disease, emotional distress and social anxiety.  This is the relationship I have had with Alice and it is toxic!  To stay in  relationship  with her  runs the risk of endangering my health now and in the future… To date it hasn’t mattered how much weight I’ve loss, Alice is still around and negativity impacting my health and well-being. Even though Alice and I have been companions for a long time, it’s time for us to part ways…thus the following is my farewell letter to “Alice”.

Dear Alice: 

I remember when you I first entered my life.  It was shortly after my daughter’s birth.  You were so small, paunchy, and wrinkled.   Frankly, I found you to be unattractive and pretty insignificant .  I thought of you as a temporary presence.  So, I really didn’t pay much attention to you.  I knew that we didn’t have much in common and honestly, I had no interest having a lasting relationship with you. I didn’t even have a name for you then.  What would be the point?  I knew you wouldn’t be around for long.  

But Alice, it seems that you had a different agenda, your own reasons for wanting a relationship with me (what I have come to realize was survival …like any parasite).   You (not me) decided to make yourself apart of my life.  I must admit, gurlllll you were inconspicuously clever in how you exploited my complacency and enabled my addiction to food in  fostering our interdependent relationship.  Whenever, I was overly stressed or emotionally wounded… you were there and clung to me.   You joined me and found mutual satisfaction in binging abandon… you encouraged resignation with the consequences of overeating and never judged or condescend.  You just hung with me.  I guess that after awhile,  you  just simply  grew on me.  I didn’t see or chose to ignore you being a danger.  Or,  maybe just I found comfort in having you around.  I don’t know? Whatever the reason, over the years, you became a bigger and bigger part of my life.    For better or (I now know) worst, I just accepted that you weren’t going away. 

 That’s when I decided to name you “Alice”,  befriended you and gave you personality.  I guess I did that for two reasons:  first, so that my family and friends would know who you were when I addressed you by name.  Secondly, giving you a name created the comic relief needed to defuse anyone’s condemnation of me and the nature of our relationship.  

Alice you became my ever-present junkie companion and a large part of my identity …lol…how sick is that!    This is when we seemingly became inseparable.  We ate together…we… hummm?… let me just be honest… there was simply nothing I did  that  you weren’t part of.  Up until recently, I hadn’t actually stop to think about how having you around had impacted my life, my  health, undermined my body image and self-confidence...  to be more honest, I chose to deny the toxicity of our relationship.   How my relationship with you increased my blood pressure, put me at risk for heart disease and stoke, compromised the management of my cholesterol, and my susceptibility to diabetes…sleep apnea….Not to mention the debilitating weight of always having you hanging on me…its burdensome!

 Before being delivered from my addiction to food  and starting my weight loss journey …the more stress I entertained, the more I ate; the more inactive I became, the more you thrived and got stronger….but I just got bigger and more depressed!   The sad thing is,  I  accepted it…it was just easier (for so many reasons)  to follow your lead. The benefit being, I didn’t have to think about or address my addiction to food… Therefore, I submitted to the idea that you and I were bound together forever.       So much that after awhile it became unclear where you,  Alice stopped and I, Pamm began?  Of who was in control…you or me?      I mean even now,  I can’t buy a new pair of pants…without having to deal with you.   As much as I might try to coax you into wearing a pair of pants  I love!!!…if you said no…then back on the rack the pants go!  I have loss 75lbs!!!! why am I still having to deal with you???

"Alice"

On the for real side Alice, the benefits of our relationship are all yours... as for me,  our relationship has become a major energy drain and I know if you stay, you will  poison every system in my body  and  delay my refiring!!!

Alice!  you’ve never!  been my friend or had my best interest in mind… you  are and continue to be a totally self-serving parasite … It is perfectly clear now that you’ve been simply using me as your host. 

ALICE!!!!! Grrrrrrrrrr!!!! You GUT!!! you’re a drain!…you’re ugly! …and you’re cramping my style!!!   I refuse to let your hang on me any longer  or  come between me and other relationships…literally and figuratively!!!   lol!  ALICE!!! old "Gurlfriend", you have gotta go!

Soooooo … Alice…honey!… be on notice…I am declaring war on you!!!    I want you out of my life and I will be doing whatever  is necessary  this year to  rid  myself of you!!     I am so weary of you and  anxious to have you gone.   Alice! I am gonna flatten you!!      I am taking back control of my body !!!! which means …farewell, my old companion, our relationship is over!!!! 

I am so totally over you! lol!

Pamm